Mused @ 2:20 PM, 11/05/2009
Michael won't let go of me...
S. does everything right. We're so similar.
On the one hand I'm really happy that I've found him, on the other hand I don't know if it's right. Should I be feeling happy after I hurt someone really bad?
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Mused @ 12:48 AM, 11/02/2009
I believe this had been the worst two weeks of all my life.
October 19th: So I confessed my feelings to S., and yes, he returned them. He said he organized my birthday party just to see me once again. What the hell.
October 21st: Without telling anyone we met in the city. We talked long long long about everything you can imagine. Gosh, I guess I never met a person who is more similar to me...he's such a nice guy when talking personally to him. Really. I enjoyed being around him. But the thoughts in my head were swirling around worse and worse. I was kind of betraying my boyfriend by lying to him about everything. But how should I tell him everything?
October 22nd: Michael picked me up from school and told me he wasn't at work this day. I was wondering why, he said he was feeling really sick and vomits after eating. I was quite worried then, but it turned out to even be worse. After being together like nothing at all had happened (I was acting like I could really win an Academy Award...) we started talking, and he confessed to me that he had hacked into my SchuelerVZ-account and read my messages. I was shocked. That kind of broke the last little piece of trust I had for him. He found out about my meeting with S. through this, and called P. in his despair because he didn't have anyone else to talk to. P. was overly pissed off at S. and I found myself caught between two stools. Awesome. Told S. about the situation, and found out I was the only one who cared informing him about it.
October 23rd: One day off from seeing Michael. I met S. instead, talking to him once again about our situation and felt my feelings growing (unfortunately?).
October 24th: Let my feelings flow, kissed S. and spent the night sitting stupidly around at the central station together with him. Went home at 6 in the morning and met Michael at home in the afternoon. He stopped eating and was emotionally ruined. I started growing pity for him rather love again, which startled me a lot. We tried talking rationally again, but nothing seemed to stick to Michael's head.
My longing for seeing S. again was huge, so I used the disguise of 'having to talk to him again' and met him, only to kiss him and be with him all night. Spend the night at his house (without having sex, please) and went home at 6 in the morning again, feeling devastated with the thought of having cheated on Michael.
October 25th: Michael visited me again, obviously feeling worse. Still longing for S., so I went to his house late in the night again.
October 26th: I had to make a decision, and this thought was killing me. It was truly killing me. I was feeling unconcentrated and restless. Found no more sleep than 4 hours max per night since one week. I was falling asleep in class and was late almost every day since October 20th.
October 27th: Met S. again. Feelings are growing, I cannot deny them anymore. He says he wants to keep me and doesn't want another girl (exactly what Michael said). I tested him by trying to seduce him and he said I should stop because he didn't want this. His feelings are true, truer than I thought.
October 28th: Spend the day with Michael, who hasn't attended work since the 22nd. It was a wonderful day - we were together like best friends. Got the DVD for Slumdog Millionaire and a Wacom Bamboo. We watched the DVD together, and afterwards Michael's feelings were breaking through again. I noticed that my feelings for him, despite everything I have said, were fading. I was feeling more pity for him, I was more worried about his psychological state than thinking about staying with him because of the love I had for him, once? We broke up, inofficially.
He left my place, broken. When the fact truly hit me, I couldn't stop crying. S. got up in the middle of the night and drove to my place and comforted me. No guy had ever done that for me.
October 29th: I kept everybody away from me. Didn't go to school, didn't want anybody around me.
October 30th: After not being together with him anymore, I openly told Michael about meeting S. this evening. Michael went to P.'s place, who is still pissed at S. for taking me away from Michael. S. proves to be more similar than ever. I even dare to sleep one hour in his bed. Went home at 7 in the morning.
October 31st: Michael and I carved faces into pumpkins together, tricking my parents that we were still a couple. Michael also behaved as if. We talked again, and seperated officially under lots of tears. I told him to go to P.'s place again, since he shouldn't be alone in such an hour (his parents were gone for a week). I told him that I would go to Lisa's (good friend of mine) place to sleep there too, and to talk. In reality, I went of course to S.'s house and spend the night there. Michael and I both told my parents that we went to Michael's house.
I hadn't slept so good for a long time. I could feel all night through how much S. wanted me to be around him. He hugged me while I was sleeping, and I was very often waking up in his arms. We are so so similar, we think the same ways, we have the same interests. I never met anyone so less different from me.
November 1st: I woke up at half past 2 pm in S.'s arms. We stayed in bed until 5 o' clock and talked about so many things. His friends are already suspicious and knew without telling that I had been with him. I felt so safe with him and happy, understood. I decided to give us a try.
What really hit me: I mentioned that I had skipped my graduation trip in July while talking about the reaction my parents will have. He said he skipped his back then too.
How lives can change in only a few moments. Crazy, isn't it? I can't say I'm really happy right now. I am not. I'm still thinking about Michael. I will probably write a letter to his parents and tell them my point of view, hoping they will understand.
He is called Steffen, btw. Half Czech of origin, he's a computer science student at university since two weeks and only 5 cms taller than me. He's the complete contrary to Michael - but apparently my reflection.
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sick.
Mused @ 1:36 AM, 10/21/2009
He returns how I feel.
I need to die.
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dilemma
Mused @ 11:33 PM, 10/18/2009
Things are becoming confusing day by day.
I had a wonderful birthday and found a lot new friends...The party was organized by a boy, S., whom I've met back in July at the birthday of P., who's a friend of Michael from work. P. provided his house for the party, which consisted of only boys, my boyfriend and me. But that's fine with me, I like it better that way.
Anyways, I think I've started growing feelings for S. .
Don't tell me how ridiculous I sound, it's the last thing I can use. I noticed him on that day in July already, but forgot about him because I thought we would never meet again under personal circumstances. Plus, I didn't think of him the way I do now.
But I talked nights through to him via ICQ, and my heart jumped when I finally met him again on my birthday. We have so much in common. SO MUCH. He thinks almost the same way as I do, about almost everything. I found all that out in two nights. He talked me into celebrating my birthday with other people and I did.
I gave him a gentle kiss on his neck when we left the party at 3 am, full of alcohol. He returned it. I was drunk.
My boyfriend is so much more handsome than S. . He's taller, blonde, prettier face in all ways.
I love him so much more than S., I cherish him.
But it feels like a part of my heart has fallen for this guy. I couldn't stop thinking about him the whole Saturday. I had already dreamt of him once over a month ago, I've never forgotten this dream. It was like prevision.
Since some time I don't feel comfortable in my relationship. I love Michael so much, but he stopped accepting me in all my ways. We don't kiss so much or cuddle, I give him more tenderness, he only gave me back sex in return. I talked to S. about my problems, about all my thoughts because I felt so safe with him the moment we started to talk. He said I should really face my boyfriend with all of this, otherwise our relationship is doomed to fail. I did today. I decently hinted at S. by saying "I've turned to others when I need to talk about my worries."
He looked at me aghastly; and as if he knew he asked "Have you fallen in love with another one?" I could see the fear written all over his face. Fear of losing me.
My heart stopped for a second. I didn't tell him the truth. I said no.
Michael and I talked long. I said everything I needed to say...I hoped it will turn for the better. I apparently gave up on S., because I knew I can't throw it away for somebody I don't really know and I doubted he really thinks the same way about me, although he returned the kiss. There is too much love for Michael inside my heart.
S. came online in ICQ later and started talking to me. This very heart full of love for Michael was beating like hell and I was startled. My feelings are not gone.
I wish I could kiss him passionately, only once. He shouldn't have said he wanted to take me in his arms when I told him about my family because now I want him to. Even if we cannot be together, even if I don't want us to be together – I want to kiss him on his lips only once, I want him to stroke my face only once. I need to tell him how I feel, even if I then cannot look at him the same way like before when we meet next Friday. He gave me everything I needed when he caressed me with his words. Now I know what it's like to be really in love with two boys.
How I wish things weren't so complicated...
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Mused @ 9:34 PM, 10/04/2009
It's one of these days again where the world seems so grey and worthless.
I said in the last post that I'm actually only pushing back again...it does get on my nerves, but it won't go away, even if I try doing something against it. I'm still scared of all these things which are "important".
I wrote an introduction for my skilled work, but I am afraid of starting to seriously work on it...I'm afraid it won't turn out like I want it to.
It is really not like I am so super lazy and slothful; I am scared. I would like to start, but I take fright at it. It sounds so much like I'm only looking for excuses and no one probably will ever really believe me. I'm so scared of doing things wrong. I'm so scared of living wrong...I don't know how to explain. I feel like I'm only functioning on the outside, while on the inside I'm already gone somehow. I try to keep myself up for other people but not for myself. I've never done anything in my life for "myself" really, only to please other ones in the end.
I went to inform myself about studying at university last week and only found myself more disaffected than before. I wanted to be an apprentice, but my mother psychologically forces me into studying at university. I still don't have any clue.
My parents, in fact, might care about what I'm gonna do, but not what I would like to do, probably.
My boyfriend's dad even cuts out articles from the newspaper with information for high school-graduates like me. I was a bit touched when I found out yesterday that the piece of paper on their kitchen table was for me. They even think about me when I'm not at their house. My parents hardly do that for my boyfriend and let alone for me. I'm still trying to help in our household although I never get any credits for that. I don't know why I'm doing things for other people when it never comes back to me. It's only frustrating me more, but apparently my heart is much too good for this world.
I feel like I'm not strong enough at last. I feel like I can't handle anything anymore...
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